#24 | magic reasons

sometimes
memories sneak out
of my eyes
and roll down
my cheeks

missing you
comes in waves
today
im drowning

in another life, i go back and revisit her
but i don’t stay long, i’m not as good with grief as i thought.

i have mouthed the words and shaken so many cold hands
my last name became goodbye in every introduction

grief started to feel like family
forever faithful and unwavering thicker than blood or water
it never leaves. it will ride into the sunset with you.
fuck it might even push the petal

so forgive me if i don’t stay long. but i promise i miss you
but i can’t look at you not knowing if i will get you back.

i don't know this place.
i didn't think i would ever get here
not someone like me
i sure as hell don’t know how to get you back

if i cant have you anymore
then i can’t look at you.
i can’t keep circling the same grave.

you have to know,
i really want to save you
i swear i do

i don’t know her
i don’t know how to live with her
like you do

you can’t be the reason why
grief can't be my lesson 
when you are my reason
missing you can’t be
the casualty in my arrival

you told me my fairytale is coming, 
you made me a believer,
it’s pages away
 you sang

you know people still talk about you…
i laugh knowing how vain you secretly were
never would miss an opportunity
to have an audience showered in admiration

it’s true what people say about you
when you are happy, you are contagious
so beautiful covered in joy.

you are pure magic

i subscribed and joined the club
and became a believer in happily ever after
because of your magic my muse

the emptiness is becoming louder every day
i’m scared.

how do i live without you?
i believed you. you stood so tall

you promised me
you said everything was going to be okay
i did my part. every fucking day

as sure as the sun was coming up,
dead dog fucking tired
god damn i’m so fucking tired
i stood there
waiting for you

even on the days when i tried to quit,
i still stood there and took it.
i took every fucking hit. every single one.
the ones that make you forget to breathe.
the hits that felt like a favor, dressed in betrayal

i never knew a human heart
can hurt that much

but i’m here
the hell i went through
i dealt with and fought all your demons
never said a word about any of that mess
all for you

what am i supposed to do now?
i stood tall and loyal,
unable to breathe, on life

i stayed because i had a reason.
i existed because of you.

how do i do this?
tell me what to do.
my identity is erased because
i cant reason with you.

-chasing alice // confession #24